He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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