I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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