Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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