So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
