You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
