well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
