brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
