It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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