it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
