thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
