I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
