my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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