I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
