Acid is not a monday night drug
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
