Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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