One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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