I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
