sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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