I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
