So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My vagina is officially offended.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
