She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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