So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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