two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
