did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
