My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
