Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
