Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
zippers are such a cool invention
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
