FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
