i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My penis needs a shock collar
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
