he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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