im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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