The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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