Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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