Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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