I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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