My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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