Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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