I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
