Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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