Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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