I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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