I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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