Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
