His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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