Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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