Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
