oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm lost and stupid without you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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