i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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