I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?