The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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