My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
