your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
