If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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