Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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